Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Getting Back To Good

I decided to take a short break from blogging. With this weather and my lung condition, I hadn't been feeling too good the past week or so. Just short of breathe more, tired and emotional about it all.
The girls have been grounded. Katie because of her grades, and Mary because she just doesn't know when it is best to keep your mouth closed.
And then it came down to me and my husband and our marriage. Since I was diagnosed it seemed like my husband just checked out.

When I went to the pulomonologist and she confirmed the diagnosis, she mentioned that later down the road, I would have to have a lung transplant. She told my husband there is no cure,period, Only preventive action to hopefully keep it from becoming worse. My husband for whatever reason made this comment,
"I knew there was a reason I took out life insurance on you." He laughed as he said this.

Now I know this is hard on him, and as he said " he was just trying to make light of a terrible situation." But to me this hurt, this embarrassed me. All I could do was laugh uncomfortably.

I brought this up to him, he got defensive about it. He hasn't even asked me yet how I am, how I feel about any of it.

I asked him if he even wanted me and the girls to continue living here. Did he want us to move back to Mississippi? Of course this went into an even bigger fight.

See when we fight or argue, it is like talking to a break wall. He won't look at you, won't acknowledge, he just sits stiff jawed and glares at the wall.

I begged him that I need help, me and the girls cannot be the only ones who do all the laundry, cook all the meals and do all the cleaning. He said he works and that the girls were old enough to help out.

Then he said this, "Well then maybe somebody else needs to get out there and get a job."

We have one vehicle, I cannot work due to being considered disabled, I cannot be working without oxygen. If I could work, I would be working.

It was after that comment that I just told him to piss off and went to bed. He slept on the couch. We didn't even talk at all the next day. I was just so hurt, felt so alone.

Back when he was in the service he acted like this. He would just ignore us. It took everything to get him to talk to us, do anything with us. We went through a year of marriage counselling due to I almost had an affair because even though my husband would be at home, he wasn't. I felt like a single mom even though he was still at home.
Now he is acting the same way again. When he does speak to us, it is to yell at the girls for doing typical teen things, to gripe that their is no money even though he makes more money. he won't look at the bills, go grocery shopping or do anything to see where the money is going.

I told him I just wanted some help. I wanted him to wake up and actually be here for us. Things either have to get back to good or me and the girls would have to go back to Mississippi. I simply can't shoulder doing it all without any help.


B said...

I'm so very sorry that you're having such a tough time. I hope things get a little easier for you very soon.

B x

Cassie said...

Hey girlie sorry that you are having such a hard time. I hope that things get back to good for you and the girls really soon. Sending warm fuzzies your way.

Mc Allen said...

Im sorry. I know thats prob no consolation to you but I truly am. I know that we would all likt to think that if this was happening to us our husbands would be the loving , caring, nurturing man we think we married. Men are so diff than us and I truly have no idea how mine would handle this.I so thin they freak pout and then just focus on what they can handle and still feel "safe" ~ it really stinks for us because we are all thats left. I pray that he pulls his head out or that God would give you the strenght and courage that you need to get through this~ inspite of him! pop over to my spot any time and leave a message, we can talk girl!! Praying for you! LA

mommyoffaith19 said...